Impending Crisis
by Kage NoTenshi
Summary: Hao and Tamao discuss the dub and its consequences, though Hao does most of the talking. (anti-dub protest) [2nd chapter up by popular demand: A Gathering of Shamans!]
1. Brewing Storm

I was elated when they brought Shaman King to America.  I was very happy when Shonen Jump did a decent job translating it.  I was devastated when I found out they let 4Bakas (also known as 4Kids) dub it and put it on Saturday morning TV.  To be fair, I honestly gave it a chance, watching a full 1.5 episodes, but it has traumatized me, and I don't need anymore stress.  Therefore, I have since boycotted it, and have now decided to lodge a complaint in my own way.

Disclaimer: I own Hao; you can have everything and everyone else.  *is mobbed by other Hao fangirls and then dragged away by the lawyers*  

            Tamao sighed, shutting the back door of the Asakura residence.  She had come over to help with basic household work, but now felt more like staying a good distance away, at least until the coast was sufficiently clear.  At least she had managed to finish most of her allotted work.

            Anna, now sixteen and properly married to Yoh, was in her second trimester of pregnancy and more irritable than ever.  Yoh's training had been quadrupled the past few days despite the fact that there were no more Shaman Fights and therefore nothing to train for.  Even the household spirits were starting to murmur of vacating the place until the set nine months were over.   The exception to this, of course, was Amidamaru, who remained stoically by his master's side.  

            A soft noise of footfalls in the garden made Tamao turn around.  There, before her, stood Hao.  Her hand flew automatically to her side as a battle defense reflex, but he raised his hand in a gesture of tentative amity, his face unusually grave.  "I don't intend to do any harm here," he told her.

            "Then why…?" she asked, backing away.  With Anna-sama pregnant, perhaps he viewed this as a time of weakness….

            "There is a greater threat on the horizon," he said quietly, "one we must unite against.  It is poised to destroy all of us, and has already begun."

            "What brilliant enemy could destroy all of us united?" she asked, not quite ready to believe the infamous Hao, especially since his words seemed to be so out of character.

            "Not brilliant," he corrected her.  "In fact, their lack of intelligence is the true danger.  The threat is the group of individuals known as the American dubbers."

            Pallor crept into Tamao's mild countenance.

            Hao nodded grimly.  "I had wanted to discuss this with my brother, but I see his darling wife has him…occupied."  They paused, listening to the clatter of the chopsticks and plates and the splash of dishwater.  "The dubbers have already struck at several shamans, though not at us two yet, Tamao.  I suppose they'll rename you something like Tabitha, and I shall be Herman, perhaps."  He smiled wryly as she shuddered, covering her eyes.

            "I have…seen much doom approaching," she admitted.

            "So it is," he agreed.  "The dubbing has had quite adverse effects.  Yoh-otouto and Anna got off a little more easily with the same names, but their voices leave much to be desired."  He grinned humorlessly again.  "And that's an understatement."  He began to list the characters, ticking the names off on his fingers as he went.  "Manta has been forced on an extended vacation, has he not?  And intense psychological therapy, if my sources are correct.  Poor little kid, he had issues with tension and stress before – can't say I helped much – but I'm positive the humiliation of the name 'Mortimer' pushed him to the nervous breakdown."  He paused reflectively.  "Odd choice of name, really.  Hardly attractive, either."

            Tamao nodded.  "Names are important, especially spiritually, so I did a little research.  'Mortimer' is French and means 'still water.'"

            Hao stared.  "For that histrionic midget??" he asked, his jaw dropping, looking almost as if he were trying not to laugh.  "That's unbelievable.  The dubbers are worse ignoramuses than I had realized."

             Tamao said nothing, but stood looking mournful.  

            "Well, where was I?" asked Hao, "Oh, right, I was going through your friends.  Who else has fallen victim to this foolishness?  Ah, Tao Ren.  I heard he tried to go on a mad, violent killing spree in London when they made him 'Len' and British.  'Len' is an American name, by the way.  I'm afraid I don't understand.  A Chinese boy with a British accent and an American name…it doesn't seem to make sense.  Though I must say I never laughed so hard as when I heard the phrase 'old chap' come from between his lips; that's what he gets for not joining me during the Shaman Fights."

            "I don't see how those are related," put in Tamao a bit apologetically.

            Hao waved the objection away with a gesture of his hand.  "It's all related, you know.  He does something stupid, and it all comes around."

            Tamao looked doubtful, but chose not to argue. 

            "And," continued Hao, "Bokutou no Ryuu is undergoing a massive investigation to make sure he's not an illegal immigrant from Mexico."  He frowned.  "Horohoro…well, that just turned ugly, though I don't blame him.  I'd be upset if I were named 'Trey' too.  Let's _not_ go into that.  Tokageroh and Amidamaru have gone into almost suicidal depression – even if they're already dead – over the mispronunciations of their names…the list of unfortunate victims goes on.  What have you foreseen?"

            She studied the ground.  "Lyserg…"

            "Is doomed," he finished for her.  "Anyone could tell that.  His name is derived from LSD; they'll never let _that_ on FoxBox.  Hmm…Ren is now British, so does that mean that Lyserg will have to be of a different nationality?  Swedish, maybe?"

            "I do hope not," said Tamao, horrified.

            "They'll change Morphin and Peyote's names too, that's for sure.  Drug names on a children's cartoon…," he shook his head.  "Though we're not exactly a children's cartoon, to be honest.  Some people are just outrageously violent.  Honestly!  But the worst part is how this will influence fan fiction."

            Tamao nodded, realization dawning on her.  

            "It will only be a matter of time before FanFiction.net is overrun with 'Morties' and 'Rios' and the flood of horrendous Mary-Sue self-insertions that come with unresearched-authors-who-don't-use-spell-check."  He winced.  "Not to mention a lot of other things.  You _do_ know that when I said I liked Ren, it was only a comment on my admiration for his strength and fighting skills, right?  I never wanted to make out with him or…erm…do anything else.  He'd probably behead me if I even suggested something like that."  He gave a dramatic sigh.  "I see much doom for my dignity and a lot of outrageous yaoi in my future."

            "But the greatest doom," said Tamao quietly, "is for the X-Laws."

            "Ahh, I should have known," said Hao with rather little pity.  "All those religious icons, not to mention Jeanne's numerous self-torture devices.  Silly of them.  My friends from the Yu-Gi-Oh cast were complaining about that too; every single image of a cross gets edited into some sort of neutral shape.  And every creature with connotations either to religion or possibly offensive witchcraft gets changed too."

            "So…the angels?"

            "Super-shiny gundams!" suggested Hao, bursting into laughter.  "Their names'll go too; no way ones like Sariel and Remiel will make it."

            "Poor Lyserg," said Tamao, clasping her hands.

            "I wonder if I shall still be able to burn his parents," mused Hao, earning a timid yet disapproving glance from the girl in front of him.  "I wonder if I shall be able to burn _anyone!  Or let the Sprit of Fire eat there souls!"  A hint of concern glinted in his eyes.  "And Shamash did make such a __lovely crunching sound when my darling mochirei devoured him."_

            "Perhaps it will be best," said Tamao neutrally, though she was obviously remembering the numerous people he had hurt.  "Little good came from what you did."

            He shot her a glare.  "My abilities are far from useless, Tamao.  I still hold more power than you can imagine, and I can put it to good use if I like."

            She did not reply and did not look at all convinced.

            He smiled, a familiar evil light in his expression.  "In fact, I intend to have the Spirit of Fire find out tonight precisely how the souls of dubbers taste."

            She covered her mouth.

            "Come now, don't look so shocked," he chided her.  "You are rather partial to the idea yourself, I know.  I can tell."

            "But…they…"

            "They're _not innocent, that I can tell you," he said matter-of-factly.  "I'll probably be doing all your friends a favor, as well as saving myself."_

            Still she hesitated.  "If I tell Yoh-sama and Anna-sama…"

            "This is one thing in which I will not let either stand in my way," he told her firmly.  "And, somehow, I doubt they would wholeheartedly oppose my actions.  Besides, Anna is pregnant, is she not?  In that delicate state, when facing me, she –"

            "She'll slap you twice as hard as before," said Tamao without any hint of jesting in her voice.

            Hao blinked, thinking over the options.  "I'll just be off then," he decided, and the Spirit of Fire materialized behind him in a rush of warm air, one huge hand extended down toward his master.  Hao stepped on and then turned back once more.  "Care to come with me, Tamao?  It's your name we're fighting for, too."

            She looked about, glancing back at the house once more and then back at Hao.   She stood still for a moment, and then slowly took his hand, hoping she would not regret this later.

            No one noticed the streak of flame that sped off into the sky, headed for America.

_Owari_

AN: In other words, there will be no continuation unless I come across something else that absolutely outrages me.

AN2: Yes, I am a Hao/Tamao supporter, though this was meant to be more about the dub than about romance.

AN3: I don't subscribe to yaoi/yuri/slash in any way.  I won't hate you or flame you if you choose write it (I have good friends that do), but I don't read or write it.

(1.24.04) This is just a response I felt I needed to make to a review.  (Curse these debate tendencies.)  I don't usually do this.  Feel free to ignore.

To Amor (though I wish you had left an email address) and anyone else who feels similarly: I totally understand your point of view, so don't take this story too seriously.  The fic is almost entirely hyperbole (in other words, my "predictions" are statements on things 4Kids has done before, not necessarily what I think will happen); I find it difficult to protest things that upset me without turning to humor (be it blatant or no), and thus I exaggerate to get my point across.  As an author and amateur manga-ka of original stories myself, I understand the importance of and thought that goes into the naming of characters, the twists in the dialogue, etc.  Though I may be reading into things completely wrongly, I feel it is disrespectful to the creator and his characters when there are changes like we've seen in a lot of cut anime.  You might be surprised at what kids accept in terms of character names (though, granted, they may laugh initially.)  Some names, too, are _made to sound silly: "Horohoro" was teased in both the manga _and_ the anime.  Sure, the dubbers have to make money, and I don't hate dubs in general (there a couple of well-done ones I am very fond of, in fact) and I apologize if it seemed that way.  But there _is_ a market out there for uncut and unchanged stuff.  Look at the popularity of Shonen Jump and Adult Swim, for instance.  In my humble opinion, if something can't be given to the kids on Saturday mornings as is, it shouldn't be mutated to fit the bill._

Thank you for your thoughtful comments; I appreciate different points of view and pay attention to every response.


	2. A Gathering of Shamans

Special thanks to Isis Hotep and Tsubasa no Yami for giving me info and getting me off my lazy oshiri to write more.  I'm terribly sorry it took so long; I've been under a LOT of stress from real life.

Also, sorry, Tsubasa no Yami, I honestly don't know of any other Hao/Tamao fans.

~~~~~~~

            "THEY WHAT??!"

            Everyone in the room winced except for Hao and the Ren, both of whom stood as cold and stiff as stone, rage blazing in their eyes.  A circle around Hao with a radius of several meters was burned into the elaborate Oriental carpet at their feet, but nobody seemed to notice at the moment.

            "You heard me," snapped Hao through gritted teeth.  "They changed my name to _Zeke._"

            Everyone present felt a sickened feeling gnawing through their stomachs at hearing the name again.  No one even thought of laughing at it.

            Ren scowled and began pacing furiously, his hands in tight fists so that the knuckles turned a pallid white.  "I cannot accept this.  I cannot tolerate it!  While there was no love lost between you and me, Hao, your brother was a respectable ally, and you were an honorably challenging opponent.  To have random _Americans_ tamper with such a personal part as your name and abuse you through such dishonorable tactics is beyond comprehension!  I want to see you brought down in a fair battle, not laid low by scum with no integrity!"

            "For once we agree," said Hao with a furious satisfaction.

            A terrible silence fell over the room, accompanied by a feeling of absolute doom.  None had seen Hao this angry since the end of the shaman fights when Yoh's friends had refused both to fall and stay properly dead and to accept Hao's invincibility.  For something to cause such a stir for the elder Asakura twin was certainly something of catastrophic potential.  

            It was for this reason that the youth who had survived the shaman fights had set aside their differences and desires to kill each other and come together for a meeting.  All had agreed to a temporary truce…even Hao.

            "What was Ren saying?" whispered Horohoro nervously.

            "He doesn't approve of the name changing," answered Tamao.  "He thinks it's dishonorable."

            "I'll say!" exclaimed Horohoro indignantly.  Words failed him suddenly, aside from several choice words he would not say in his younger sister's presence, so, with a glance at Pilika, he settled back into his seat with a scowl.

            "And that they should have targeted me, _the_ Tao Ren, from the very beginning," he spat, his anger getting the better of him.  "_Len_ is bad enough, but to have it degraded to the level of L…L…" He paused, his spike lengthening dangerously as his face reddened.  "Le…"

            A pause.

            "Le…"

            "Lenny," finished Hao coldly.

            Everyone but the two in the middle of the room cringed involuntarily as the Basontou whipped out of nowhere and several innocent chunks of ceiling were cruelly removed from their places and cut into dust.

            Tamao stood up sharply, her eyes studying the carpet.  "I…I'm going to go get some water.  Does anyone else want some?"

            "I'll help you," volunteered Pilika quickly, looking as if she too dearly wished to leave the room.  

            "Bring some for me," put in Hao, momentarily distracted, his eyes losing some of their fury as he glanced at Tamao.

            "Me too, I guess," added Horohoro.  "And one for Ren.  He looks like he needs to cool off.  Aw, just bring for everyone if Pilika's gonna help."

            She nodded and quickly left as Ren flopped down on the nearest couch, the deadly light in his eyes still not fading.  Hao too sat, brooding from his perch on an ornately carved Chinese chair.  

            "How is it," began Faust softly, his position passive as he leaned back ever so slightly in his wheelchair, "that you did not manage to destroy the dubbers?  Tamao told us that you two had gone to prevent the furthering of their evil, but it seems to have had no effect."

            Hao flinched at the mention of one of his few failures, but looked up with unclouded eyes.  "I had completely underestimated them.  I judged their ignorance and failed to take into account the massive forces defending them.  What this 'licensing' is, I am not sure, but it is a powerful shield.  It is as if some deity higher than anything we have yet conceived guards them and allows them to toy with us."

            "Are you saying it's hopeless, then?" asked Jun, her hands clasped in worry.  "After what they did to my poor brother, I couldn't bear it if there was nothing to be done."

            "For once, I see nothing that can be done," admitted Ren.  "That's why we decided to call a truce and a gathering.  We remembered how our combining powers with Yoh helped to defeat Hao once –" a slightly affronted cough from said Hao, which Ren ignored "— and we had hoped that it might work similarly in this catastrophe."

            There was a pause as everyone pondered the possibility.

            In the moment of silence, the door opened with the faintest creak and Tamao and Pilika entered, bearing glasses of water on—

            Horohoro took everyone by surprise, suddenly bolting up with a terrible expression on his face.  In an instant, he had smashed both carrying devices with an ice attack and a cry in the native Ainu language.

            Yoh, who had supposedly been dozing in his chair, leapt up and deftly caught each and every glass as it tumbled through the air – except for the one last one, which Hao plucked out of free fall and took a sip from, looking very superior.  He even dared to send what could almost have been a coy glance at Tamao, who blushed as pink as her hair and busied herself trying to clean up some of the water on the floor.

            "What was that for??" demanded Ren, glaring at Horohoro, who had sunk to the floor with comical tears streaming down his face.

            "Why me…?" was the only reply he managed from the blue-haired youth.

            Everyone blinked in puzzlement except for Yoh, who began to laugh in his carefree, death-defying way.  "Tray!  He got upset when Tamao-chan and Pilika-chan brought in _trays_!!"

            Horohoro paused in his lamentations to glare at Yoh.  "It's not funny that they call me—" 

            "Trey," finished Hao.  "Just as I find no amusement in being called Zeke, whether it means 'the power of God' or not.  For your information, my power is my own.  So stop looking as if it's so funny, Yo—"

            "Yoh!"

            Everyone froze at the voice as it cut through the air like a whip crack.  Yoh's grin disappeared rapidly as he turned to his fiancée, water glasses still in his hands.  "Yes, Anna?"

            She was holding a stopwatch in one hand (where it had come from, no one had seen) and was frowning at it.  "Too slow.  It took you 2.83 seconds to catch the glasses, not to mention that you missed one and still got water on the floor.  You've been slacking on your training, haven't you?"

            "There aren't even any more shaman fights!" protested Yoh.

            "Haven't you been listening?" she retorted.  "We may have to deal with our doubles—"

            "Dub-les," snickered Chocolove and was promptly poked by the Basontou.

            "—and you certainly can't afford to be slacking now!  Electric chair for three hours!"

            Yoh handed the water glasses to Tamao and Pilika and unhappily obliged as Hao shook his head at his sister-in-law.  "Honestly, Anna, pregnancy hasn't changed you one single bit."

            She did not reply, but simply put one hand on her rounded abdomen with what almost could have been a look of pride.

            "What are you going to name it?" asked Meene quietly.

            "Her name is going to be Hana," stated Anna in a voice no one would dare even question.

            Except Hao.  "That is a lovely name," he agreed, "but, meaning 'flower,' it is apparently a girl's name.  What if it should happen to be a boy?"

            "If it were a boy," replied Anna, "it would be _his_ fault—" a glare at Yoh, who was still suffering over his _denki isu_ "—and we would still name it Hana."

            "Poor kid," muttered Hao, who shut his mouth quickly at a glare from Anna.

            "We seem to be getting off the subject," mused Faust, accepting a glass of water from Pilika.  

            "All righty then," said Hao, snapping back to his usual self.  "We've agreed to try and work together, which is already a huge combination of power.  _And_ several of the hard core fans have expressed a desire to help us out."

            "That's good," said Ryuu with a nod.

            "Unfortunately, they couldn't be present today," added Hao.

            "Why not?" queried Horohoro, who was visibly more collected now that all trays had been removed from the room.

            "For one thing, we're crowded in here as it is," reasoned Hao, "and secondly, quite a few of them are rabid fangirls.  Even the very authoress is absolutely _crazy_ about me."  He paused to preen a moment.  "Of course, I don't see how any girl _couldn't_ be…"

            "_I_ do," said Lyserg sourly.

            "Well," retorted Hao, looking smug, "you're not a girl – oops, I forgot.  You might be in a few weeks!  Ohohohoho…" Everyone paused in an I-honestly-don't-know-him silence as Hao covered his mouth and gave a snicker that could have almost been a giggle.  

            Lyserg scowled, and everyone could sense him gathering furyoku for an attack.  (On an irrelevant side note, what is with them calling it "mana" in Shonen Jump??!  Do they have any idea how corny that sounds?!  _)  

           "Please," intervened Tamao hastily, putting herself in between the would-be combatants, "we've all agreed to a truce, and…"

            Lyserg gave Hao one last glare and sat down again.  "Bloody dubbers…"

            "That's right!" broke in Ren indignantly.  "Why do I have to say such degrading British lines as 'old chap,' but I don't get to say anything even as strong as 'bloody'?!"

            "Tough luck, guv'ner," quipped Chocolove, who was suddenly forced to retreat behind an expensive-looking piece of furniture to avoid being slaughtered quickly, efficiently, and in at least two different ways.  

            Lyserg returned to glaring at Hao, who was chuckling over Chocolove's crack at the unfortunate, abused British nationality.  "Zeke."

            All trace of a smile instantly disappeared from Hao's face as flames sprang up about him and charred another section of the carpet.  Ren muttered something about a cleaning bill, but was ignored.  

            "Please…" began Tamao, standing up again, though she had a sinking feeling she would be ignored.

            "Shut up and sit down, the both of you," snapped Anna to Lyserg and Hao; both boys promptly obeyed.

            "On the brighter side of it all," put in Ryuu, looking at Ren, "your dad is now your uncle.  That's one more removal from him, really."

            "Like that helps me any," sulked Ren.  "At least with my father, I can explain my initial defeat at his hand with filial piety and thus an unconscious reluctance to openly rebel, but it being an uncle makes it just embarrassing."  

            "Why are we worrying about it so much anyway?" broke in Mikihisa, who, to this point, had remained silent.

            All heads turned.  

            "WHY??" stormed Hao, flames disintegrating the chair on which he was sitting.  "WHY?  IT'S BECAUSE THESE –censored- DUBBERS HAVE GONE AND RUINED US!!"

            Mikihisa looked down at himself and then glanced about.  "You all look the same to me."

            There was a silence.

            "Certainly," Mikihisa continued, one hand casually adjusting his mask, "they have created somewhat insulting doppelgangers, but we ourselves seem intact.  I would—" he put in dramatically "—join you in your valiant fight should they have laid hands on any of your wonderful characters—" Jun and Tamao were convinced they could feel his eyes on them from behind his mask "—but, as it seems they actually have not, I shall leave you to abuse your copies at your leisure."

            Another silence.  Horohoro blinked.  "What…?"

            "So you're suggesting we stop getting so worked up about this because it doesn't really affect us originals?" queried Lyserg.

            "And that the copies can end up as no more than target practice for us?" added Ren, liking the idea more.

            Mikihisa had gone back to his newspaper, but the others didn't mind his silence.

            "Besides," sighed Hao, running his fingers through his luxuriant hair, "as long as there are the true fans who know us, we're in no danger.  In fact, they'll probably help us torture the fakes…"

            "I call dibs on killing Hao's other!" said Lyserg suddenly, standing up.

            "If you _do_ turn out to be a girl, I'll set you up with Ren's other: _Len_," retorted Hao with annoyance.

            "K'SAMAAAA!" roared Ren, pulling out his Basontou yet again and attempting to impale Hao.

            Yoh watched the fight with a mixture of pain and amusement on his face.  Two hours and fifty minutes of electric chair to go…

            Tamao sighed as Ren's Basontou became entangled in Hao's cloak and Horohoro joined the fray over someone's snide remark about "a tray" (who it was, he wasn't sure, but if Ren was fighting, of course he would join the squabble.)  And to think, she had been worried that the whole dub issue would disrupt the normalcy of their lives.  

            If one could truly call it normal.

Owari

AN: As with last chapter, I don't plan on continuing this again any time soon if at all.  But don't give into the Dark Side!  Use the real names Takei-sensei carefully chose (derived from drugs and all, yeah, gotta love it…) and research the original stuff.  It'll totally be worth your while!  

AN2: For those of you wondering about the "later on," Yoh and Anna had a lovely boy…named Hana.


End file.
